god i never quite learn. i click on facebook thinking there might be something interesting there How Many Packs Of Cigarettes Are In A Carton, but of course i'm so fucking let down. all i do is feel depressed when i read it. i mean, it doesn't even really matter if they're only posting the best, and highlighted parts of themselves, because they've still got that to post. when i go on there, what the fuck do i have to post on there? i don't really feel like i have anything at all to gloat about Buy Tobacco Online, and it makes me depressed. and you know what else is depressing, my old friend denysia from when i knew in elementary school is taking pharmacy classes. i'm not saying that she's dumb or anything, but i've always known that i'm smarter than her, and really the only thing she's got going for her is that she's a typical white washed asian that wants to live in laguna beach (yes, some guys dig these kind of chicks), and well she dressed nice and had a sense of style, etc. and to think that she's taking pharmacy classes. that SHE'S going to be the one filling my prescriptions when i'm going to a pharmacy, now that thought is scary. but i mean, besides that fact, what bugs me is that how is it possible that she managed to do this, and i didn't end up there. honestly, i'm the hare and she's the tortoise. and how fucking disappointing is it to realize something like that about yourself, fuck.

on a completely different note, (to further add to my depression) i have been feeling very far away from c lately. i'm not sure what's causing it (maybe the lack of sex) but it is making me feel depressed. i don't feel very connected with him, and it's almost as if he doesn't like me or want to be with me anymore. i dont' want to think too much about it cause i know otherwise i will overreact. but it's weird that when we first started dating, i really didn't care for the sex at all, and he wanted it all the time, and now i guess it's the reverse. he says it's just that he's too tired, and i'm not really around as much. and i guess lately, we've been going to san diego on the weekends (we just went again this weekend for c's grandparent's annual christmas party/gathering), so i guess it's kind of understandable, but i guess it makes me doubtful and nervous.

another thing that has been bothering me is what my mom's been saying. she's been talking about marriage, and asking me when it's gonna happen. she keeps wanting me to marry as soon as possible so that i have kids early, so then later on when i'm older, i won't be tired. and yeah, i guess it'd be nice in a way (though really prenancy still scares me), but then of course c's barely graduating this year out of community college and trying to transfer into USC (which i want to assume he'll get into usc, but one can never be too sure of anything), but if he doesn't make it then what? i dont know what he'll decide if he doesn't get in. and then we've been talking about moving out of our places and living together, and that's nice and all but really when is it ever going to happen. we've been wanting to move out and live together for probably 1 year to 2 years now, but it just seems impossible. c hasn't had a fucking job in almost a year +, and he hasn't really been trying to work, and he's soooooooo picky. i'm sure i've talked about this subject before, but yea. it makes me worried though, what if he's never gonna get a job? at least, i was raised by my fucking pushy mom, and that when it comes to money, anything is acceptable, (or maybe that's not a great thing Price Of Cigarettes, because i usually tend to settle as long as i'm getting something), whereare c will really want to get what he wants, or he wont have it all. which is great if he gets there, if not though, it's alot of not doing anything (ie. what's going on now). i'm really depressed about this whole thing. when will he ever get enough money to buy me an engagement ring, much less a wedding. i don't wnat to pay for a majority of the wedding. am i the only one that sees something wrong with that? is the bride supposed to be paying for the wedding? fuck, i don't know. i know my mom would never agree to it, so i'd have to end up lying to her and then telling my mom that he's paying for it all, and meanwhile i'd have to pay for it all, while pretending that c did to my mom. fuck, that sounds liek a loud of baloney. but anyway, so at that grandparent's party thing, c got some money (i don't know how much), and he ended up buying some "cool ass" pipe thing with marcos. it cost but they split the cost to each. anyway, i don't know why the fuck he bought that goddamn thing. he plans to turn it into a bong to smoke pot with, so he needs to add a carb, which means buying more crap at home depot to do that. and what does it matter, in the end i bet something wont go right, or if it really does get made Cigarettes Brands, then we'll probably never use it cause we don't even have any pot anyway, and i don't think he knows anyone he could buy it from anymore, and i sure as hell never knew anyone. at best, we might do it with marcos, but that's about it. and i just don't fucking get it. he decided to waste on that, but i have a feeling he doesn't plan to get me anything, or if he does it's some plushie i bet. i'm not saying i have been assertive in telling him what i want for christmas, but i wish he would think about it at least, and get me something useful, get me something i could possibly use. or if not that, he could always get me fucking goddamn jewelry. god, but maybe that's not what i want either. i just wish he THOUGHT about me. i feel like he doesn't really care about me, or think about me. it's fucking retarded. am i lousy? am i selfish for wanting him to spend some of his christmas money on me. on a fucking thoughtful present on me, instead of wasting it on some crap. yea, i get that he really likes this stupid piece of crap, but really is it so wrong to want something? maybe if he worked and got paychecks, i wouldn't have such a problem with it. but the problem is that i'm always paying for shit when we go out, i'm buying him presents for his birthday and for christmas, and when he gets money he gets to spend it on himself because he usually doesn't have any. god, if money is such a problem to you then maybe you should GET A FUCKING JOB Pack Of Cigarettes. god, when i was first with him, it wasn't like this at all. i didn't know he didn't really have money then so i didn't have the conscience to be nice and think about his circumstances, so he actually paid for stuff, and he actually got me flowers, now i'm pretty sure i haven't seen a flower in over a year. now that i know what his circumstances are, i take care of him. i'm so fucking tired of this bullshit Marlboro Black Menthol. i hate this whole i've dug myself. i wish that he would fucking grow up and be a man already. he's just a little child, a fucking child that i'm taking care of. and he won't even fucking put out, because he's too fucking tired!!
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